There has for quite some time been a problem with jargon creeping in to the Civil Service. Initially this was merely a case of dumbing down, the most obvious example being the irksome use of ‘joined-up’ in place of ‘co-ordinated’.

Pacesetter has upped the stakes and brought a whole new world of lexicographic lunacy to HMRC.

While it is possible that the new jargon is merely the result of indoctrination by consultant I find it hard to believe that anybody could say these things with any expectation of being taken seriously. This stuff makes Scientology seem sane.

Yet these terms are uttered with a straight face.

There must be something deeper at work here. There has to be a hidden agenda.

Here I shall endeavor to decipher the dark purpose behind three examples of this vexatious vocabulary.

Uplift

Used in place of the conversationally accepted word ‘increase’ the use of this alternative inevitably leads one to the impression that the (predominantly late-middle-aged male) higher echelons of HMRC would like to see more lovely lady humps.

This impression would be wrong.

One would not like to imply that there is any misogynistic, lascivious intent behind the use of this word.

However, one does suspect that some of them might have shares in Wonderbra.

Upskilled

Most of us would, depending on context, use the words ‘trained’ or ‘learned’. Now, clearly, there has to be a pretty good reason for introducing the world to a word as ghastly as ‘upskilled.’

Think about the word differently. Roll it around your tongue. Let your eyes flit across it breezily. Allow, if you will, your mind to play with the word in a flirtatious, yet interrogative, manner. The hidden message will leap out at you.

Upskilled

UPSkilled

UPS Killed

Yep, HMRC’s management want us to use Royal Mail.

Killing UPS is a rear guard action that will end with the massacre of TNT and DHL too. They can’t say this openly so are fighting the tide of privatisation by the use of cunning linguistics. The word ‘upskilled’ is a shout out for public services to remain public and an incitement to murder contained within one little word, seemingly harmless in all but its disregard of poetic sensibilities.

Much as one admires their anti-privatisation stance one doubts that HMRC have the resources to kill every UPS employee, let alone TNT’s and DHL’s too. Thanks to Pacesetter we’ve barely got time to read our emails.

Anyway, I think Unite & the URTU might take umbrage.

POT

POT is the acronym for Potential Outcome Tray. They could have called it a Likely Outcome Tray (LOT) or a Reasonable Achievement Tray (RAT.)

They chose to call it a POT.

One can only conclude that HMRC’s management have invited Pacesetter in to our world as part of a sneaky plot to subconsciously make us want to get stoned enough to pick off private courier employees while wearing WonderBras.

Gordon Brown should have a word: I doubt it’ll be a vote winner.